Happy Easter!

"do eggs!"

A heart and an H for....Harely the dog

Can you spot the brown eggs?

Little sister loved the egg hunt

Nori teaches Henny about her love of chocolate dipped Peeps

The bunny is very serious about oral hygiene!

Easter divas

love wins

notice the new pedis?

Nori says I am the "owner" of all of them

they love their Gramsie

these people make me look normal

We had a family-filled weekend with my mom here and visits from Papa Michael, Abby Jill, Tracy, Wendy, Casey & Jaimie and even my college pal, Angela. We dyed-eggs and prepared for Easter with the girls. After a sleepless night for Nori, she found out "the bunny did visit!" even though she could not hear any hopping all night long. We celebrated with lunch at Tracy's, Gangnam Style, and a much needed nap.

Spring is coming and Jake knows this first hand because the melted snow is leaking in to our new basement, despite water proofing-precautions!!!  He is outside sticking his hand down frozen drains and pouring boiling water in to melt ice clogs while simultaneously dehumidifying, heating, and fanning damp carpet. Don't you wish you were him?

It was a weird week. I am not sure how I am supposed to act and feel after losing my dad. Obviously, I am terribly sad that he only had 60 years.  How unfair that after his recurrence time went so fast, he was not able to do things he wanted as he was too sick. He bought a guitar but never had the energy or mental clarity to take one lesson. Planning our trip gave him hope, yet even if it been earlier he was in and out of the hospital so much he still might not have been able to go.

It hit me hard when I went pick up his ashes on Friday - they handed me the "urn" (cardboard box) labelled William Wayne Palbicki. How can it be that last week he was here and now he is gone? I am sad, but not crying all the time, except for when I break down in yoga or in the car. I am more moody, anxious, or as Jake has been telling people "numb".  Maybe that is abnormal but I guess I will process this a little bit each day and feel however I feel, whenever I want.  I have had several grief dreams already, one where he was mad at me and another where something terrible happened to one of my girls and I woke up sobbing.

There is still lots of drama with my ex-stepmother and loose ends with his estate, but Jake and Casey are taking charge of organizing those matters which is awesome. I am planning the family memorial by focusing on the details: ordering cards, photos, talking to the priest, writing checks, and  trying to find a place for lunch. It is just plan weird.

Thank you to everyone for the emails, calls, cards, flowers, donations, babysitting, and other ways of showing your support! It helps to remember that other people care and want to cheer you up!

Dad

William Wayne Palbicki
April 24, 1952 - March 23, 2013

My dad died peacefully on Saturday afternoon at North Memorial Residential Hospice. I got to the hospice at 9:30 a.m. and before the nurse could even tell me he was declining, I saw his breathing had changed and he was barely able to whisper  "I love you "to me. I called my brother, Casey, and his wife Jaimie, my Grandma Sylvia, and Jake to come out.  We were joined by Joe and Mekensie and we sat with him as he passed through the final stage of dying. We reminded him we loved him and that he had people waiting for him on the other side, like his two brothers and his dad. Grandma Sylvia, a devout Catholic, was praying for him and helping him let go to be with the Lord. It was heartbreaking and and full of love at the same time. He passed at 2:00 p.m. surrounded by his family. He suffered no more pain and is finally free of that pesky pancreas.

He passed away on his grandfather, Grandpa Jack's, birthday. Grandpa Jack, who was Sylvia's father, also died of pancreatic cancer years ago. It was also the one year anniversary of the death of a great guy we met at a PANCAN conference,  Roger Kuechle. My dad used to have lunch with Roger and followed his journey via Roger's CaringBridge site.

After hours of crying, we said good bye to him and came home to snuggle our girls. Prior to the events of the day, we had made a dinner reservation at Salut since we had a free babysitter in Gramsie.  Due to the fact that we had zero food in the house and needed to eat, I put on 10 gallons of concealer and went out to dinner. When I came home I told my mom that I ordered the special, the lobster thermidor, something I had never had or really heard of before. Her jaw dropped -  that was my dad's favorite dish,  he used to order it all the time when they went out for fancy meals. I am not really  a big believer in signs but I thought that coincidence was really cool .

We plan to hold a private family memorial and interment of his ashes at St. Mary's Cemetery in Winona, around his 61st birthday. His ashes will be buried next to his father and his brother, Jim.  In lieu of flowers, we ask donations  be made in his honor to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.

Thank you to everyone for your support an encouragement, especially Jake, Casey & Jaimie, my mom who babysat all weekend and I didn't even feed her,  Aunt Jill & Cousin Abby to helped entertain the girls, friends who tolerated my frantic, rambling  phones calls, Erin Turpin who took these amazing photos, and the super awesome hospice staff who, of course, do not read this blog.

If you ever have the privilege of being with a loved one while they die, do not be scared  - be brave. Hold their hand and offer comfort. It is an inevitability we all will face, but it can be a healing and loving experience that makes the passing a tad more bearable knowing you were there through it all.

pep talk

I was giving Seamus, the poodle in my office, a pep talk today because she was embarrassed by her new haircut. I was reminding her that it's what's on the inside that counts! and all of us curly girls get a bad 'do from time to time when I noticed she was wearing a lone sock, a lacy anklet. I think it made her feel pretty again. This is why I love my office - we have a dog in sock. I am sure I am not the only one who gave her the pep talk, it's an office full of counselor-types.

My mom is coming up today to hang with the kids while we spend time at the hospice this weekend. Nori articulately explained to me that Henny is talking all of her "Momny Time" as little sister demands most of my attention which makes Nori  feel bad. She is totally right - I asked Nori to plan a girl date for the two of us and she settled on going to a cafe and then a bookstore to buy a new book. Looking forward to some girl time!

My dad is not really eating and is sleeping all the time but he knows we are there and talks a tiny bit. He is not in pain (thank you, liquid morphine) and resting very comfortably.

hospice

view from his window

Dad moved to a wonderful new place... in fact, it is so awesome I cried after I left. It is a hospice home on  a lake with lots of sunshine and wildlife outside. They have only have eight people at a time and it has all the amenities of a hospital room yet all the coziness of home. There is even space for families: a kitchen with soups, sandwiches and drinks, a living room with fireplace, toys for kids, and sun porch. After his shower, Dad sat in a recliner all day napping in the sun. He even had a massage in his chair. He is not eating much but did say a few words to some friends and family on the phone. I can not tell you how good I feel about where he is and the care they are providing for him. We are visiting him everyday and enjoying the beauty in these moments.

that sweet shirt is really a fab hospital gown

p.s. Thank you to Missy who took my baby shoplifting (Henny stole a bunny from Hanna Andersson but it has been returned) and let me nap on her couch  in between visits to my dad.

hanging tough

You are sure going to miss me recapping who cleaned which toilet and who did what exercise in this post, but we have bigger things going on. Dad;s health is going to downhill as body starts to shut down. He has  few lucid moments, is not really eating anymore, and sleeps most of the time. He has been spending his nights in his new room downstairs and days on the couch while the kids dance, fight, and yell around him. He does not seem to mind! We are giving him lots of hugs and telling him we love him. I love you is one of the few things he still says (that and,  he aint' heavy, he's my brother).

Dad spent time with family this weekend including us, Casey, and Grandma Sylvia and The Pips (Doris, Joan, and Mary Ellen). Tracy and Jill cooked/reheated not one but two meals for us as well. I am not sure what this week will hold but I do plan to go to work tomorrow since Casey is spending the day with dad.  I am sure Brad, the hospice nurse, and  Rob, the bath dude, will be here, too.

We appreciate the prayers and positive vibes you have been sending his way! 

tough times

It has been a rough week as we have been putting the F-U in dysFUnctional. Plans have changed again:  my dad has moved in to my house. He is going to stay a few days and then we will transition him to a residential hospice facility. His condition is deteriorating rather rapidly and he sleeps most of the time. Tomorrow Grandma Sylvia will be coming to visit him, so let's hope he finds some energy to hang with her. Thank you to everyone for your support, especially Jake, Mom, Casey, Erin (for taking the kids in a crisis moment), Missy, and Aunts Jill & Tracy for taking girls today to bake so I could work with hospice and, most importantly, spend time with my dad. I owe you all!

A few pics from last week's photos shoot:

undercover brother

You know what they say, when life hands you poisoned lemons, call your aunts to come take of you, make your BFF bring you pizza, eat hot chocolate chip cookies while laughing with four little girls, and watch Kourtney and Kim Take Miami (or as Nori would say "Yourami", where her Daddy is this week).

p.s. this blog is going private. I will try to invite all people who I know regularly read, but please email me if you want an invite or if I miss you.

XXOO

I wanted to share the random photos I found on Jake's iPhone, but now I can't find where they are saved. To be continued!