I don't like being serious, it's much more fun to screw around and ignore unpleasantness. But lately, something has really been bothering me and I am hoping it is an overreaction ( I am prone to these) or that I am being too sensitive (I do this). That's what Jake's thinks and according to him, he's always right
It's about adoption.
I don't really like to talk about the fact that
Nori was adopted because I don't want anyone to think she is not 100% the heart of my family. I hope I don't need to reiterate that
Nori is the light of my life, the best thing that has ever happened to me, my best friend, and every other cliche there is. I loved her since the second she was placed in my arms. I am so grateful for infertility as she is the exact child I am mean to love and mother.
So, here's what's been weighing on my heart:
There are some very vocal people, many birth mothers or
adoptees, who go into great detail claiming that adoption is unethical because it takes advantage of poor, young, and uneducated women, ripping a baby away from his or her natural mother which should never be done, no matter what. This separation creates a
primal wound for both which will never heal. Adoptive parents are naive to think otherwise, no matter how loving or well-intentioned they may be.
Open adoption is just a rouse to entice birth mothers into choosing adoption but leaves them tricked and hurt. All adoptions begin with a loss of the natural family that goes against nature.
Transracial adoptions only further complicate life as kids of color grow up "too white" and totally out of touch with their culture.
Is this true? Did I do something terrible by manipulating someone into placing their newborn? Will
Nori grow up with feelings of deep loss, low self-esteem, an outsider in her own family longing for her biological kin? If we adopt
transracially, is the child doomed to feel like an outcast, longing for his or her "real" family, the only people who understand? Is is wrong to take a child away from the women who gave birth to him or her?
I'm NOT looking for everyone to yell "
NO", just to comfort me. Even though I don't want to agree with the extent some of the views are taken to, there are some valid thoughts. Yes, affluent adoptive parents pay lots of money to adopt, thus corruption and unethical practice can occur. I agree that all mothers should be encouraged to parent if they want to as support and resources can be found to help through the tough times. Certainly
birthparents have intense grief, many their whole life through. Ignoring race is not healthy, white families who adopt
transracially should work hard to educate and create connections with people who look like the child. I know this, but am I still naive?
Open adoption is not uncomplicated. Maintaining a relationship with
Nori's birth family is emotionally hard, mainly because I want to pretend she is all mine and I don't like it that anyone else thinks of her as "their" daughter or posts her photo on their
Facebook page. If I am honest with myself, her biological family loves her and thinks about her often. Let me add that they are great people, respect our boundaries, and appear happy with the decision to choose adoption. I pray it really
is that rosy but what are they feeling inside? Will they feel this way in 5 or 10 years? I am possessive of my daughter, even though without their choice I would not be a mom at all.
In an effort to comfort myself, I think of the many stories from people who were adopted and how they love and cherish their adoptive families. I look to the research which shows that children who join families through adoption in infancy are happy and well-adjusted. I look to my heart which is overflowing with love. I look to
Nori who adores us and will always know she is wonderful, chosen, desired, and accepted, even when she has a need to know her birth family better.
Sometimes I just don't like the fact that these issues are part of my life. Giving birth to a child means they are yours... no matter what, no one else can claim them. That part I like. I feel scared to pursue another adoption because it means lack of control, uncertainly, waiting, and disappointment for us. Worse yet, grief for another family.
We have been blessed beyond measure with
Norelle and every ounce of distress is worth it to be her mom forever. Life is never simple and this is just another aspect to process and learn from. At the end of the day, she knows we are her momma and daddy and that's really all that matters right now.
As my second grade teacher, Sister Jean Ann, used to say: serene
only idiots on the lake
Ellen is The Frog Whisperer
9:00 p.m. at the lake
Play-Doh is the best toy ever
floating during Happy Hour on the S.S. Jalopy
our roof
S'mores and a campfire
This dog has been sick (what else is new?)
Seltztastic
beauty
Day 3 at the cabin on Rock Lake, it's cloudy and cool but I discovered this new coffee shop, The Shante, with Wi-Fi. Yes, I quit coffee but I did not quit decaf non-fat lattes on cool days. The rest of the crew is having another big breakfast of carbs and syrup but a dainty little thing like myself just prefers organic fruit and purified air.
So far, so fun! Nori is so brave, she hopped right in off the dock to Jake and swam in the "deepy deepy" and she hopped off the boat in the middle of lake. "I'm not scared", she said.
this face was her idea
red bean, sweet potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, coconut milk & spices over white rice
yes, we use only filtered spring water in the sprinkler, thanks for asking
It's not the same without them
that's them
